I have come to the conclusion that there can only be two possible reasons for girls faking a relationship:

1) They are lonely; and/or
2) They are seeking attention.

Let’s discuss the people who change their relationship status from “single” or from “not specified” to being in a relationship with some girl, when they really aren’t. Apparently they do this “for fun” or something, according to the claims of offenders. Am I the only person who doesn’t see the “fun” in lying to everyone, even though everyone knows it’s a lie? Playing video games is fun. Sleeping is fun. Going on mass murder rampages is fun. But if you find being in a fake online relationship is fun, I think you need a bit of a life. If it’s meant to be a joke, then I fail to see the punchline. Oh wait, I know the punchline – the joke is that you’re actually in a relationship with someone! The only way you would ever be with anyone is by faking it … oh the hilarity!!!

Another variation of reasoning is “Because I want people to stop hitting on me”. Okay … so instead of growing a backbone and actually rejecting people, you’re going to be in a fake relationship where 99.99% of people already know it’s fake anyway. Way to go. And if you don’t want people to know that you’re single, there’s a very simple way of solving this – don’t specify your relationship status!

Another excuse is that the two girls are such close friends that they want to express it as some sort of virtual romantic relationship. Snore. If two people were really good friends, they don’t need public recognition in the form of a lie. If two people were really good friends, why do they need to call it something else like marriage or a relationship?

I just find it extremely sad that with the freedom of the internet, people can easily put up a sad charade that they’re in a relationship with another person and post sickening posts and replies to something by flaunting the fake relationship like “Let’s go out, my love”, “I’ll see you in my bed tonight “, “I love my lover <tag girl’s name here>”. Most people who are in a real relationship don’t even do this! Why do we all have to put up with a bunch of deluded people pretending to be in love online, even though the thought of the pretenders touching each other in real life disgusts them?

At least she can admit it...

The reason is – it’s not for “fun” or for any other lame excuse. It’s because people are crying out for attention. Really, everyone knows a lesbian relationship is bound to get some sort of reaction (especially from guys). Even if it’s obviously fake, people are still going to respond to the relationship status with some stupid sleazy and/or smart arse remark, such as “Can I watch?”. And of course, the status changer is looking for this type of reaction. They can’t get attention for anything worth getting attention, so they resort to playing pretend.

What’s more, if it really is just a bit of fun, why do they need to do it on Facebook where  everyone can see? Why not just smother each other with fake lesbian love in real life and spare us all from your delusions? As stated before, it’s because they want everyone to see and they want people to respond to it – I guess showing love and appreciation in private is just overrated now, and showing love and appreciation isn’t worthwhile unless someone else sees it. Not only that, but I’m assuming these girls think showing fake love in real life in front of other people is a bit awkward, so they have to hide behind their monitors and do it from a distance instead.

If attention seeking is not the reason, then there is another reason: they’re sick of seeing that “single” status on their profile, but since they can’t find a real partner, they’re just going to pick a friend who is equally as lonely. And then they’ll both be lonely with each other and just act like they’re together to make themselves feel good – all online of course, since they’re most likely to be straight anyway, but faking a straight relationship with someone else is unheard of for some reason. I have a suspicion that it’s because the lonely straight people don’t want to give others the wrong idea by posting a fake straight relationship status, in the hope that some other straight person might be interested in them and only then will they want to show that they’re single.

I mean,  do you ever see a straight girl change their status to being in a relationship with a guy when they’re not really in a relationship? No, of course not! And if a girl was to pretend to be in a relationship with a guy and everyone found out it was fake, would everyone react the same way as they would to a girl being in a fake lesbian relationship? No, everyone would be thinking “what the hell?”

The point is, pretending to be in a relationship with someone on the internet isn’t going to fill that empty void you feel from being single. I hate it when people play “pretend” on the Internet and forge some imaginary relationship just to make themselves feel secure and wanted (kind of like the stupid brother-sister thing). If you really do want to have a fake relationship with another girl to make yourself feel wanted, go hire a hooker.

And then of course, there is the inverse – girls who act like lesbians in real life (most likely for posing in provocative photos), but will deny being in a relationship because they’re actually straight. Where is the fun in this? Of course, it’s for the exact same reason as the Facebookers who pretend to be in a relationship – because they crave attention, most probably from guys who love seeing lesbian action (as an aside, I don’t particularly understand the reasoning as to why guys are turned on by lesbians, but I guess that’s just how the  world is) or because they’re just lonely and want to feel wanted, even if it’s for just a second.

Really, I think pretending to be another sexuality is just as warranted as pretending to be another race. Don’t you find it ridiculous/amusing or a bit insulting when white people pretend to be black people by wearing bling and going around saying things like “Bitch ass niggahz”? Seriously, what happened to the good old ideals of Sesame Street? It’s important to be yourself!

And just for the record, I’m not having a go at lesbians. I don’t have a problem with real lesbians/bisexuals, just the fake straight ones who pretend to be something they aren’t just for attention. If you’re going to fake being a lesbian/bisexual, you could at least not do it in a half-assed fashion by being all talk no action, or all action and no talk. Run the full mile and lesbianise yourself properly! Seriously, what’s the point of doing these things and then taking it back by saying “Actually, I’m straight” and then getting offended when people talk about it. There is no such thing as a part-time lesbian.

Secondly, who wants to read happy blogs anyway? Would you all like it if I began posting pictures of kittens and rainbows and spammed you with “LOL”s and smiley faces? If I wrote about my day, all the fun/boring stuff I did, and all the wonderful people in my life that I can’t live  without, would that make you like my writing? If you answered “yes” to any of the above questions, then get off my blog now, you sick and disgusting people. For those who answered “no”, you can rest assured knowing that my mundane existence isn’t worth writing about, and in the words of Sheldon Cooper – “Social relationships will continue to repulse and baffle me”, so I’ll stick to my unimportant and biased opinions about stuff (okay I was only kidding, I love social relationships … please be my friend…).

Anyway, never mind the fact that I’ve written plenty of blogs where I’m not complaining but simply observing life (Here are some examples: Most commonly used rejection techniques, I suck at comforting people, Should girls make the first move?, The paradox of being a nice person, Desperate or confident? etc), people seem to only remember the angry rant posts. This proves my above point exactly – nobody cares about happy people. By the way, I don’t write angry blogs to be liked, because nobody likes angry people anyway.

Anyway, I’m going to humour all the people who are sick of my hating by defending things I like. I predict that this post will be forgotten in about an hour’s time.

Dead baby jokes

Apparently my sense of humour sickens some people and I’m not too sure why. A joke, by definition, is something you aren’t supposed to take seriously, yet somehow people think that just because I joke about dead babies, it means I’ve got a pile of them under my bed. And I’m sure all the guys who tell kitchen jokes are beating their girlfriends and padlocking them to an oven too. The point is, people laugh at politically incorrect stuff all the time – racist jokes, blonde jokes, sexist jokes, lawyer jokes — so what’s wrong with dead baby jokes? “It’s sick and disgusting”, you say? Well, so is your face but people still laugh at that! (/end childish comeback).

Disney Movies

Image from Tumblr somewhere

What’s with people who think I’m childish because I like to watch Disney movies and other cartoons/kids movies?  In fact, I think kids are stupid and probably won’t even understand the wittier lines of these movies. Besides, Harry Potter is technically a children’s book yet people of all ages still like it. Twilight is also aimed at teenage girls but plenty of  mature-aged women enjoy it too (wait… what?) Playgrounds are also intended for children, but I see a few of my friends hanging out there too, along with a few old men driving black vans, but I don’t judge them!

Cityrail

I think I’m the only person on this planet who doesn’t hate Cityrail (the public train system in Sydney). It gives me cheap and convenient transport to uni and work, and I hardly experience any delays. Anybody who whinges about Cityrail doesn’t have to put up with it – in this day and age, if you don’t like a product or service, you find an alternative. Quit bitching and go drive to work so you don’t have to stand and put up with people playing music too loudly. Unlike you, I’ll gladly pay $4.60 to get to uni instead of $20+ for petrol, parking, etc.

And whilst people on trains can be annoying (obnoxious school kids, people asking for money, etc), Cityrail doesn’t have a “filter out annoying people” function. Also, it has no control over stuff like electrical faults and people trying to kill themselves. Leave Cityrail alone!

My significant other

Well, since the topic of this post is me defending stuff that I like, I think it’s time that I pulled this one out. Just like dead baby jokes, nobody really gets why I like my boyfriend. I mean, he’s just as morbid and dry but oh well, he drives me places and eats all the food that I can’t finish. Just like everyone else who blogs about how much they love their boyfriends, I must do this to prove to everyone that I’m a human that’s capable of feelings. I also enjoy the feeling of inducing vomit upon every reader that wishes to hear about my deluded, wishy-washy idea of “romance”. And I know I said I’d never write about people in my life that I can’t live without, but it’s okay – my boyfriend isn’t a person. He’s much more than that. (So I see you’ve found the secret cheesy line … okay I’ll go hang myself now).

Disclaimer: I wasn’t put up to this at all…

More stuff that I say

There’s a difference between expressing one’s feelings and just blatant attention-seeking: if you want to vent and let out your feelings, there’s a thing called a diary, word document, brick wall or maybe a HUMAN BEING that you can talk to/type into – especially if these feelings are of no significance to anyone else (people might give a shit the first time but I’m sure after the 22nd post about the same topic or blatant self-indulgent advertising of oneself, people will stop caring). When you bring your thoughts to a public domain, it can only be for the sole purpose of being seen by others or getting a reaction out of others. Whinging on Facebook or Twitter is fine, as long as it’s not every waking hour of the day to the point where it’s just spam. Perhaps a better approach to life is to find someone to talk to on a personal level rather than making the whole world your best friend.

Talking about yourself is also fine, but there are some boundaries you should draw in how much you promote how great you are.

I can’t stress enough that I feel that there is such a thing as ‘smart’ posting – I’m talking here about using your own discretion and common sense as to what you’re going to post on Facebook and how frequently you do it. Thus, I’ve compiled a general guide to what I (and probably the general population … okay maybe just me) find acceptable when it comes to Facebook statuses…

In relation to consistency of posts, here are some other things to keep in mind:

• Don’t constantly post about the same thing. Sure, you might not have felt satisfied enough the first few times you wrote about it but constantly posting about it isn’t going to make everyone else care any more than they already do. Ever notice that the more someone harasses you to join their cult or give them money to save a whale, the more annoyed you are and the less you care about it? Yeah. That applies to everything.
• If nobody likes or comments on what you post, don’t post it again. Don’t think “oh no, nobody’s responding to this … maybe nobody saw it. I better post it again several more times until someone acknowledges my existence.” Stop kidding yourself – people did see it and chose to …  *gasp* … ignore it.
• Don’t subsequently tag a bunch of people in multiple posts over a short time period, because you’re effectively creating some kind of moral obligation for them to respond. Don’t even bother tagging them in comments of your own post.
• Don’t comment on your own post and repeat what the original post already said. And don’t resort to talking to yourself if nobody comments on your posts. Talking to yourself is no more acceptable on the Internet than it is in real life.
• Don’t like your own posts (this point is courtesy of an anonymous law student named Jack). Liking your own posts is pretty much stating the obvious – you like your own opinion. Okay genius, what person doesn’t like (in the literal sense) what they say? If you didn’t actually like what you said, you would’ve deleted it. Nobody says, “I dislike my own opinion. I think I’m wrong but I wrote it anyway”, so you don’t need to disclaim yourself of this by pressing ‘like’ on your own status. When you’re liking your post, you’re effectively saying: “Man, I’m a genius -  this deserves a ‘like’ from myself because it’s just that great and perhaps people will realise how great it is if they see that I liked it. Oh yeah, and nobody else is liking my post so I have to make it look  like somebody likes it.” Too bad that when you’re the only person who likes your post, it just makes you look even lamer.

Anyone who offends any of the above principles and/or falls under more than one category of ‘Unacceptable’ Facebook behaviour usually gets filtered out of my news feed. I’m not saying that people should feel threatened by me putting them on some kind of virtual list where I’ll never have to deal with their incessant whining again, I’m just giving out a friendly warning that people aren’t afraid to press a ‘mute’ button on everything you say, so you might want to think more about what you post on the internet. Now if only there was something like this in real life.

The point is: Facebook and other social media is an avenue for sharing short instances of information that a multitude of people can appreciate, so you should accordingly share things with this purpose in mind. On the other hand, there are some things that you should only tell specific people. There are other ways of communicating with people privately so that the whole world doesn’t have to see your dirty laundry, and this is where we should all draw a line! Together, we can make the internet a more liveable place! You have the power!

Feel free to suggest more annoying social networking habits!

More stuff that I say

I can’t ever watch the nightly news or open the newspaper without seeing some mundane, useless story about the freaking royal wedding. Some of the ‘news’ stories include: someone’s making a special pizza in the shape Prince William and Kate Middleton, there’s a new rumour as to who is designing the bride’s dress, the Queen is meeting the bride’s parents, someone named their shop in honour of the wedding, or some other extremely trivial gossip and/or story that is even remotely related to the main story. I wouldn’t be surprised if someone did a news story about a cloud in the sky that kind of resembles Kate Middleton’s arm.

I just want to know: who the hell cares?? Whoever is sitting behind their TV screen and finding all of this absolutely riveting, I want to find you and kick you in the face (that’s if I could kick…). There is obviously a significant number of people who are intrigued by this farce, otherwise media outlets wouldn’t bother covering it to such a huge degree. The amount and volume of constant media coverage this is getting makes me feel like another 9.1 earthquake hit, or the twin towers got flown into again. Not only is it everywhere in the media, real-life people seem to be talking about how wonderful the “romantic story” of these two uninteresting human beings is.

The people who think this wedding is romantic are probably the same lonely women who use movies like The Notebook as a guide to life and swoon over shitty romantic comedies that always happen to star Julia Roberts. To all these people, I think you should wake up and smell the roses: this wedding is not romantic in any way. Sure, he is a prince and she’s some girl no one’s heard of til now, and has no royal or aristocratic blood in her, but who cares? What does it mean these days to be a royal or aristocratic in a country like England? You’re filthy rich and everyone knows who you are. That’s it. Therefore, this entire ‘royal’ relationship is as much of a big deal as someone like George Clooney picking up some girl off the side of the road that nobody cares about and marrying her. Romantic, isn’t it.

I think people are just entranced by the fact that he is a prince, but have conveniently forgotten that princes don’t ride on white horses and rescue damsels in towers in real life. The fact that they are royalty isn’t an automatic “romantic” sticker on their forehead. Thus, this whole “romantic” bullshit is a clear reflection of how shallow women really are in that they only find money, fame and reputation “romantic”. Because meeting someone with a great personality but humble status through ordinary means like from a friend of a friend is boring and completely unromantic! Marrying a prince doesn’t automatically guarantee you’ll have a happy, romantic ending, you shallow bitches. Take a look at Princess Diana – her prince married another woman that resembles a horse, following a reportedly rocky marriage. Oh yeah, and she’s dead.

Furthermore, the royal family has provided nothing of value to society (at least celebrities give us Hollywood entertainment and whatnot, and aren’t a drain on taxpayer money!!). Those who feel the need to ‘honour’ this wedding must have some delusion in their head that the royal family has actually done something for them. I’m not going to get into a constitutional debate here, but the significance of the British monarchy is at an all time low. Whilst they “technically” have enough political power to run a few countries and islands, in practice they’re nothing more than figureheads. Even if they are technically heads of state, this still doesn’t warrant the ridiculous amount of attention this is getting. Hell, if Julia Gillard (someone who actually has some power over our country) decided to get married, I wonder how many channels will be willing to spend 3+ hours on her wedding? Will people be flocking to the church to spectate, and will there be stupid quizzes and recipes and fashion fold-outs all over the media? I highly doubt it!

I’ll be spending tonight doing my assignments and blocking myself out from anything Royal related, unless it’s news of a death. Now the new season Master Chef this Sunday – that’s something to look forward to.

More stuff that I say

“Did you get home safely?”

Usually people say this when they speak to someone they had been out with the night before. It’s great that people are concerned and thoughtful when they ask this, but to me it just sounds like small talk because they can’t think of anything else to make conversation about. Really, use some common sense … if you’re speaking to that person at this very second, then they obviously got home safely. I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t be talking to you if they were murdered in a dark alleyway somewhere…

“In a complicated relationship”

It’s that stupid relationship status on Facebook that either means a) “I’m just in a fake relationship with this person and need to disclaim it by saying ‘it’s complicated’ but still feel the need for everyone to think I’m in a relationship anyway” or b) “I’m having huge issues with someone who might be my significant other. I’m not actually single so don’t think I’m some lonely loser, but I’m actually open to getting hit on so feel free to do so”.

I don’t see what people get out of effectively announcing to the world that they are experiencing relationship problems. If it’s attention or sympathy, they aren’t getting any from me. Really, you don’t need to hang out your dirty laundry for everyone to see.

Also, the fact that you can’t make up your mind about whether you want the world to see you as “single” or “in a relationship” just shows that you don’t really want to be in any such relationship with that person, so instead of loitering around Facebook and trying to establish some sort of even ground or category, maybe you should work out your issues.

“Just sayin’.”

This line makes my blood boil. People sometimes like to make insulting or rude remarks about something or someone, then add on “Just sayin’” as if it indemnifies them of being an asshole. Either that, or they just want to make themselves appear witty and cool by adding a quaint sentence to the end of their statement and not pronouncing all the letters of that sentence. e.g: “You’re pretty ugly actually. Just sayin’.”

Really? “Just sayin’”? As opposed to what, you moron? Nobody thinks you’re being cool or witty. And you’re not softening any blow by adding “Just sayin’” to whatever you have just said. We all know you’re “just saying” it, you don’t need to narrate everything that you’re doing. This is just like if I opened my fridge and stopped and said to everyone “Just openin’”, or if I’m walking somewhere and said “‘Just walkin’”. Do us a favour and just shut up’n.

“The music you listen to has no meaning/is stupid/too commercial/whatever. I am better than you because I don’t listen to that.”

I’m just sick of people who think they’re better than everyone else because of the music they listen to. Some people think that just because they listen to a certain type of music that might not be mainstream, they are more enlightened than everyone else and understand “the true meaning of music” whereas everyone else is some lapdog eating out of the hands of greedy record labels. All I can say is … nobody knows the “true meaning” of music. There is no “true meaning” because music is whatever you want it to mean. If you think you know what the true meaning of music is, you should stop being so pretentious and wake the hell up. You are not better than other people just because of the music you listen to, nor are you more intelligent.

I don’t have a problem with people who have a preference for a certain type/s of music. It’s only when those people criticise others for liking a different type of music to their preference that just pisses me off to no end. So you don’t listen to pop music, R&B, hip hop or anything along those lines – fine. Just don’t go calling people who do “uneducated”, “tools” or “closed minded”. You seriously don’t have the right to say that.

And isn’t it a bit hypocritical if you say someone else is closed-minded just because they don’t listen to your type of music? You’re being closed-minded yourself for not listening to their type of music!

People who try to establish how cool they are by bragging about things that aren’t cool at all

I’m talking here about people who like to brag about things that are apparently “bad ass” when it doesn’t even deserve any  positive attention anyway. Here are some examples:

- Getting into a fight with someone
- Driving recklessly
- Smoking
- Getting really drunk (especially if the person is underage)
- Getting into trouble with the police
- Breaking the law in some way e.g. vandalism, shoplifting, etc

Call me a goody-two-shoes or whatever, but I’m not impressed and I don’t give someone my respect if they do any of these things. What’s more, I’m even less impressed when they feel they need to brag about doing it – either on Facebook for their friends to see or in real life. You’re not any more of a man just because you’ve done something illegal. Let’s see how proud you are when you hit someone and kill them because you were driving 50 km/h above the speed limit. Let’s see how proud you are when your run-ins with the police land you in jail. Then I wonder who’ll pat you on the back then?

Also, I don’t care if you’ve been smoking since you were 12 years old and neither does anybody else. You are not misunderstood or cool. Inhaling rat poison when you got your first period doesn’t earn you my respect, pity or any emotion other than me thinking you are a tool, so there really is no need to brag about it.

Rebbecca Black

I am so sick of hearing about this girl. Yes, I know she’s bad and it’s phenomenal that something has been universally accepted as “bad”. And besides, since when do people pass on something that’s bad? Usually things are only shared and talked about if it’s worth being shared and talked about. There are plenty of things that are universally bad, like cancer and pedophilia but I don’t see anyone spreading that around and talking about it…

More stuff that I say

Anyway, the point of this post was to discuss the inappropriate use of tagging people in statuses. The tagging feature is a useful tool when writing a status to get a specific person/people’s attention, such as announcements, questions or for embarrassing someone. However, I’ve observed some very amusing status-tagging habits that people tend to do…

“I had such a fun night with @tag, @tag, @tag, @tag!! Tehehehe!!”

I admit, I did this once or twice when they first introduced the tagging on Facebook and I wanted to be cool and prove to everyone that I really did go out with friends in real life, contrary to popular belief. But I’ve since learned not to unnecessarily burden people’s Notifications inbox, as well as everyone’s news feeds because the truth is – nobody truly cares that I indeed have a life and that I do go out with people who are my Facebook friends.

Now, every time I see this sort of status, I wonder … are people trying to reassure the tagged friends that they had a good time? Are you really that much of an emotionless drone that the people you are with can’t tell that you’re enjoying yourself? Do you go home and think to yourself, “Boy, I don’t think I was smiling enough today … and damn it, I forgot to say ‘I am presently having fun’. Now that I think about it, I forgot to say ‘I am presently eating a sandwich’ as I ate my sandwich. Gosh, I better make my friends feel better about themselves by informing them that I had fun tonight just in case they thought I wasn’t having fun! Maybe they’ll appreciate it even more since I’m advertising to all my friends that they aren’t boring!”

Let’s face it, the only people who even remotely care about these statuses are the people who are tagged in them. I reckon even the tagged people don’t really care, therefore they just “Like” the status because they can’t be arsed doing anything else, but still want to give the status writer the satisfaction that their proclamations of having-fun-ness did not go unheard. If you haven’t noticed, 99% of the time, the tagged people don’t respond to the status with anything relevant, but you do get the occasional ‘I had fun too’.

However, I’m sure a lot of other people do find this status useful when they discover that they have been excluded from the fun. I actually find it very amusing when someone writes a status about how much fun they had with such and such, and then some poor person comments with “Why wasn’t I invited??” Suddenly the status writer doesn’t want to yap on about such a great time they had anymore after that. Good old Facebook, you’ll never let us down when it comes to destroying other people’s self esteem.

In my opinion, if you’re a person who is open enough about informing the online world about something like having a good time with your friends, then don’t be discriminatory! You should also have no problem broadcasting what a shitty time you had with your friends!

Oh and then there are people who write a status about their present fun with other people as opposed to their past fun, e.g. “Is having so much fun getting wasted at XYZ Night Club with @person, @person, @person”. I only have one question: if you’re having sooo much fun with your present  company, why do you feel the need to log onto Facebook? Shouldn’t you be too busy having fun?

“Thank you so much @tag, @tag for the fun night!”

Similar to the above status, except the writer has instead thanked the friends for a good time. I don’t have anything against expressing gratitude, but expressing it in a public domain is very unnecessary. Of course, only the select few people who have been tagged out of the hundreds of friends that you have will even remotely care about this status, so why can’t you just thank the person/people personally? Sure, I love it when my friends invite me over to their place but do I go running down the street screaming “THANK YOU FOR THE WONDERFUL TIME, BOB!!!!” when I’m done?

Besides, isn’t a personal thanks on the spot much more effective than a bunch of words on the screen that the person will see much later? Is it because you just can’t bring yourself to open your mouth and say “Thank you” there and then that you have to resort to hiding behind a screen so they can’t see how full of gratitude your face is? I guess it’s true that the internet is causing social dysfunction if people can’t even say a simple “thank you” face-to-face.

And if you’re going to argue that you did in fact say thank you in real life and just felt the need to extend your wonderful sense of gratitude to the whole world for a nice meal or something, do you really need to be a drama queen? Your friend let you stay at their place for a few hours, they didn’t give you a freaking kidney. But I suppose we all, deep down, want to feel like we’ve just won a Grammy and publicly thank our friends … too bad Facebook is just like the Grammys, where most of the audience doesn’t know who the hell the thanked people are nor do they care that you’re thanking them.

Perhaps if it’s a one-off event for a relatively big favour or for something meaningful, it’s forgivable. But thanking someone for hanging out with you is just a little sad … if you were truly friends, then the thanks is implied and doesn’t need to be advertised all over the Internet.

“I ♥ @boyfriend/girlfriend xoxo”

Nice to see that you have some kind of amorous feelings for your significant other. None of us knew that at all, especially your significant other which is why you tagged them, isn’t it? And the only way that they would believe that you love them is by effectively telling every person you know through Facebook, just in case anyone was under the impression that you do not love your girlfriend/boyfriend. I think your next status should be about how much you ♥ breathing, just so we all know you aren’t thinking of suffocating yourself. Don’t forget to tag Oxygen and your Lungs so that they know you appreciate them.

I can’t think of anymore at the moment, but feel free to add any type of status updates that you find annoying.

More stuff that I say

I acknowledge the commercial success of Apple and its ability to drive innovation and change, but really, why do hardcore Apple supporters (commonly known as fannboys/fangirls) feel so high and mighty because they’re backing up a commercial success? News flash, you have nothing to do with this success – last I checked, you aren’t an Apple product designer, Apple marketer, or Steve Jobs. All right, that was really unfair of me to say – you contributed to its commercial success by splurging hundreds or thousands of dollars on a shiny Apple product so therefore you are a part of the greatness that is Apple, which has the flow-on effect of making you great. I guess that means I’m a part of the greatness of sliced bread too, since I inject my money into its thriving business, consequently making me great. For crying out loud, yes, I’m aware you own an iPhone (because you can’t stop reminding me) but you didn’t invent the damn thing – stop talking to me as if you have accomplished more in life than me because you purchased an Apple product. Just because a brand you buy is successful, it doesn’t mean you’re successful.

I remember a conversation I had with a girl a few years ago. She was a Windows user and was complaining to me about how her computer was slow. I paraphrase, “It’s because Windows gets so many viruses, but Macs don’t.” I asked her how she would know that if she doesn’t even use a Mac, to which she replied with, “My friend who studies I.T. told me so. He was telling me about all the problems of Windows and how Macs are way better. I hate Windows so much … I can’t believe you’re still using it.”

I couldn’t even contain my shock – a non-Apple-using fangirl? What has this world come to? Never mind the fact that it’s not Windows that causes viruses, it’s a lack of anti-virus software and general stupidity  – the fact that this intelligent friend is basing her conversion solely off another fanboy’s unqualified opinion just shows the power and might of fanboys. This is the reason why Apple doesn’t need marketing anymore – its hardcore freaks can just con a bunch of technically-ignorant people who are easily swayed by flowery words and jargon instead.

I believe it’s the arrogance of the fanboys that makes others believe them. Apple fanboys/fangirls feel they’re superior to others, therefore their selling ability is heightened as it gives the impression that they are confident of what they’re talking about, and that they will look down on the rest of us if we don’t leave our families and follow Apple to the end of time. And of course, that little part in all of us takes over – the part that wants to fit in and conform to those who are better than us.

One thing I do admire about fanboys, though, is that they’re very optimistic and can see the good side of every Apple product (also known as bias). For example, the iPad. I know I said I wouldn’t talk about the ‘technical’ side of Apple products but I couldn’t resist. The iPad is pretty to look at and all, but man is it stupid. I don’t know if I’m the only person who thinks it’s stupid, but I’m baffled that despite its uselessness, fanboys can still gush on and on about how magical and wonderful and innovative it is. It’s not innovative – it’s a giant iPhone that can’t call people. What can it do?  Play movies in HD, play music, web-browse, show me the news, provide email, offer e-book reading – and it’s portable. And the iPad2? It’s thinner, faster, has two cameras, and a HDMI port apparently. Hey everyone, I’ve got something that can do all that and much more –it’s been around for longer than an iPad, it costs less than an iPad, and it’s called a netbook. As for the camera, lucky I have that one sorted too – I have a real camera that won’t make me look like I’m randomly holding up a picture frame in the air when taking photos. Oh wait, netbooks and cameras don’t allow you to play with Apple apps, silly me. But let’s not forget that Apple fans have an iPhone and/or iPod Touch for that (which coincidentally also has a camera), because let’s face it, only an obsessive Apple fanboy is going to buy an iPad.

And that’s the other thing I admire about Apple. They can pretty much pull off anything, and its loyal brigade of fans will come running after it. I believe this is where the true success of Apple lies – it created its goodwill by making a few good products to lure in its manic fanbase, and then it’s able to pull out something dumb like the iPad because they know their obsessive fanbase will buy it anyway. The iPad’s demand did not arise because of its so-called innovativeness; it arose because Apple’s fans created its own demand. Other brands that followed the tablet suit are only going to fail because they mistakenly believed that there is an actual demand for tablets, when the demand is actually by ‘Apple fanatics’ for ‘Apple products’. I honestly don’t think any non-Apple fans rushed out to get an iPad when it came out, and I bet Apple could come out with a hat with a touch screen on it and the wild pack of fans will still line up outside the Apple Store for hours just to get it. Even better, they’ll probably go on and on about how Apple is so “innovative” for  changing the whole headgear industry with its breakthrough invention.

I therefore come to the conclusion that Apple fanboys are the equivalent of Justin Bieber fangirls – they are manically and unhealthily obsessed, they get touchy and overly defensive when what they idolise is criticised, they defend something that doesn’t appreciate the defence, and they simply worship something that they’ll never get to have sex with.

(Note: for the record, I see the merits in many Apple products and don’t hate Apple per se … I just hate the side-effect of obnoxiousness that it burdens society with.)

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Let’s face it, Windows Live Messenger 2011 is shit. Nobody likes it. And I knew it was a matter of time before those greedy bastards forced us to get it. It began with a voluntary update, but then when people saw how shitty it was, the bigshots at Windows Live had to slowly brainwash people into believing they need to update.

This included sly methods such as silently updating in automatic Windows Update (on Vista), making people believe that it was required to keep their computer functioning or secure. For anyone who was still unwilling to update, they tried to sell themselves by disabling links in chats  i.e., if you sent a link to someone on the old MSN, you wouldn’t be able to click on it – you had to copy and paste it into your browser. According to Windows Live, they disabled it because they cared so much for us and were looking out for us so they didn’t want us clicking on viruses and phishing scams. Oh how sweet of you Windows Live… until you told us that the new MSN has some ‘awesome’ security to prevent us from getting viruses from links, and that links are fully functional on it. This was extremely frustrating because we’re all lazy and like to have our links ready. A few extra clicks  on the computer just to see a picture of a cat is just way too much work for people like me. But honestly, I think most of us are smart enough to be able to tell if something is a virus or phishing scam – if you aren’t, then you deserve to fall victim to the monstrosity that is Windows Live Messenger 2011.

Anyway, I’m just really cheesed off that it’s resorted to a compulsory update, not allowing me to even sign into MSN unless I got the new version. I hate the new version so much that I wanted to bypass the automatic update and stick with the old version, and I’m sure a lot of people want the same. (I mean, I’m sure there are people who prefer Windows 98 over Windows 7 right…? Maybe a better example might be XP over Vista…)

So here is how I stopped the automatic update and continued to live my life with minimal advertising shoved down my throat and Facebook updates (honestly, if I wanted to know people’s Facebook updates, I’d go on Facebook – I don’t need MSN for it):

1. Go to My Computer
2. Go to the drive where your Programs are installed
3. Click on Programs (make sure you show all the files if they are hidden)
4. Go into the Windows Live folder > Messenger
5. Rick click the ‘msnmsgr.exe’ file and select Properties
6. Click the ‘Compatibility’ tab and check the box that says ‘Run this in compatibility mode for’. Select Windows 2000 or Windows Server 2003.

Thanks to my brother who showed me how to do it. The only downside to this is that add on programs like MSN Plus no longer work … but if you get the new messenger, you won’t be able to use it anyway.

My point is don’t give in to the greedy fatcats at Windows Live! Don’t sacrifice functionality!! Don’t be subject to spam about singles in your area!! Never mind the fact that they’re giving me a useful service for free!! Never mind the fact that change is what drives innovation in technology! To hell with all that! I refuse to be subject to draconian methods!

EDIT: So it turns out that compulsory update isn’t an update to the new MSN. Actually I’m not too sure what it was for. But jeez, they didn’t have to say “A new version of messenger is available to download”, it’s extremely misleading and makes me angry for no reason. My point still stands though – the new MSN is crap and I don’t ever want to get it if I can avoid it. I’ll keep the above method ready for the day when they do force me to upgrade.

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Anyway, I think this “reading on the toilet” thing is really just a guy thing. According to my extensive research, 0% of girls read whilst they’re doing a number two (please overlook the fact that I only surveyed 5 girls). I’m actually pretty curious as to why guys do it and girls don’t (and yes, I know not all guys do it but I noticed some guys are more inclined to do it than most girls … or perhaps the girls that do read on the toilet just don’t want to admit to it). One of my theories is that it’s because guys aren’t used to sitting on the toilet (whereas girls have to do it either way when they go), and this long period of unfamiliarity causes them to do erratic things like reading so that it doesn’t feel like they’re just sitting there.

Well, I guess I’m not way off. The real reasoning for the reading on the toilet that I’ve been given is that they think just sitting there doing their business for five minutes is too “boring” – they need to be preoccupied and keep busy. Now why doesn’t it surprise me that guys have a short enough attention span in such a way that they can’t even stand expelling waste without making it enjoyable for themselves in some way? And I thought guys were bad at multitasking!

Actually, I’m not too sure why I find it so odd. I think it’s because reading actually makes the experience on the toilet much longer. If you’re doing something enjoyable, chances are you want to stay there and do it for longer. I don’t know about everyone else, but I’d rather have fun with my pants on and in an unenclosed space that doesn’t smell like crap (literally). I guess what I’m trying to say is – sitting on the toilet isn’t exactly a grand pasttime, so why would anyone want to unnecessarily prolong their time doing it? Guys believe that it’s normal to be in there for 10 minutes or more (the ones I’ve been talking to at least), but I don’t think they realise that the reason why they’re in there for that long is because they’re doing some crossword puzzles or reading about terrorist attacks/rapists/the economy in the newspaper, or perhaps getting way too into a Harry Potter book with their pants down.

I personally just go in there, do my business, then leave – and it never takes me any more than 5 minutes. That’s because I don’t extend the time by doing other things! I can read and do sudoku puzzles on a chair, or in fresh air, and it’ll still take the same amount of time as if I had sat on the toilet and did it! If I had the same mentality as the people who do other things whilst on the toilet, then I suppose I’d also read when I’m doing other menial, unpleasant things like vomitting.

Oh and I suppose there’s also the fact that associating human feces with just about anything else other than toilet paper disturbs me a little. Someone (who will remain anonymous) once told me that they were reading the local paper on the toilet and stumbled upon an article I was in, with pictures and everything. I somehow feel uneasy about the idea of being looked at whilst someone is taking a dump…

Anyway, if reading this post hasn’t made you sick enough, feel free to tell me how wrong I am. Or even better yet … please agree with me … someone … anyone!!!

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For those who are lucky or unlucky enough to have another person advance non-mutual romantic intentions on them, they would know that it’s very difficult to be firm about their disinterest yet at the same time considerate of the other person’s feelings. From my own experiences and from others’ experiences, I have observed some of the most common “techniques”, perhaps I’d even go so far as to say “excuses”, not to date someone else.

I shall now discuss my findings in excruciating detail. I hope you find my love advice column helpful to your situation and follow my every advice step by step if you are confused and unsure of how to go about rejecting someone, even if you don’t agree with me. I watched a Youtube clip about psychiatry once, read a few fanfics about love, and meddled in the affairs of others numerous times, therefore I’m extremely experienced.

“I’m not interested in dating”

The aim of this line is to make the other person believe that you would reject everyone who would ask you out and not just that person, so that they don’t feel completely worthless – they’re just as worthless as everyone else, that’s all. Of course, this line is more accurately translated to “I’m not interested in dating you“, but you’re too nice and considerate to say that (to their face, anyway).

The only valid/believable reasons as to why someone genuinely is not interested in a relationship with anybody is because they are one or more of the following:

- Asexual (i.e. does not have the desire to mate with anyone of either gender, as opposed to heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, etc);
- Career driven. Meaningful relationships would only get in the way of more important things like lots of  money, a nice house, a nice car and climbing corporate ladders to get more money, houses and cars;
- Thinking of being, in the process of being, or already are a priest, nun, brother, monk, Willy Wonka, or some other profession where romantic relationships are not allowed
- A nerd who is too focussed on studying and getting good grades to the extent they wouldn’t know how to handle the pressure of paying attention to another human being without getting anything lower than a high distinction average

If you are not any of these things and use the above line, you will most likely give off the impression that you are one of the above and you probably don’t want that.

Furthermore, this line may backfire when you actually find someone you do want to date (especially within a short period after you’ve used the line). This is because when the person you used it on finds out you’re with someone else, they will know you were just making up excuses. They will eventually come to the conclusion that you’re a liar, or alternatively just be extremely hurt because they’ll know they weren’t good enough for you and have the urge to kill you or themselves. Nice going, nice guy/girl.

If you’re going to use this line, at least try to add on “at the moment” to “I’m not interested in dating”. That way, you leave it ambiguous as to when you might resume your interest in a relationship, so that when you do find someone else, it’s not as bad. Still bad though. (But really, you may change your mind tomorrow … they won’t know that unless they ask you out every single day, which of course they won’t unless they’re a psychopath).  Oh great, how did this post become a tutorial on how to deceive people…?

“I only see you as a friend”

Now, I’m not questioning the validity of people’s friendships – seeing someone as a friend, I believe, is a valid excuse because the other person just isn’t “romantically compatible” with you (possibly because of one or more of the following: they aren’t good-looking enough for you, there is something about their personality you don’t like, too old/young for you, you don’t agree with their stance on abortion/global warming/genocide/other issues, or some other unattractive feature). It’s only when someone attaches “It would ruin our friendship if we got together” or “It would be weird and awkward if we ever broke up” that I think is a load of crap because it’s just simply a stupid excuse (see this post for more details as to why).

“I only see you as a friend” is a nice and non-deameaning way to let someone down (I think) because they can join the dots themselves and by then, it’s not your problem anymore. You aren’t lying or deceiving them or trying to make excuses – you are telling the truth (albeit in a sugarcoated manner). I’m really trying to think of a con about this line, but in my opinion it’s the least problematic of all the lines in the world.

Of course, if you actually think the person who is making a move on you is an annoying, sleazy, selfish, stupid jerky jerk face (or bitchy bitch face for girls), and you don’t want anything to do with them – don’t use this line because the “friend” status entitles them to stick around and continue to annoy you. If they’re really just conceited or desperate, I believe you don’t need to consider their feelings if they don’t consider yours so don’t bother trying to sugarcoat rejection. Really, you are allowed to choose your friends. Don’t tell someone you see them as a friend if what you really mean is you see them as an annoying stick in your spleen.

Also, rejecting someone may leave them very emotionally unbalanced if they really liked you. Even if you did say you only see them as a friend and think to yourself “Hey, friends talk to each other, right? I’m going to invite them over and we can do each other’s hair!”, I think you should respect them and let them talk to you when they’re ready. You have plenty of other friends. Go annoy one of them instead.

Not doing anything/stall tactics

The only pro for this is that you get out of doing something hard and can keep up with the charade that nothing happened. Yes, continuing on like you’re still friends and pretending that things aren’t weird will work for a little while and hanging onto this false sense of security is great. But I guess this means that if your dog died, you’d still keep feeding it and taking its corpse for walks around the park, right? As long as everything’s fine in your head, it’s fine for everyone else, right? RIGHT????

When you are doing nothing and stalling after someone confesses their love to you, it’s like you’re a doctor saying “I will now open this envelope of test results to reveal to you whether you have terminal cancer or not… later”, putting the envelope in their pocket and talking about other things like the weather.

Cutting off all contact as a sign of rejection

Well, I guess if you were to sever all forms of communication with someone following a confession, they’d get the hint right? It’s kind of like a job application, right? You send it in, if they don’t reply to you it means you didn’t get it … right?

I think that’s a pretty cowardly way of rejecting someone. Grow a pair and reject them like you mean it!! With words! Everyone deserves an answer after they mustered up the courage to ask you out – you could at least acknowledge that and muster the courage to tell the truth. As you can tell, I am a big fan of telling the truth.

Conclusion

I hope next time you reject someone, you’ll think of your words and actions carefully. There’s no clean way to reject someone. If you don’t like any of the above tips for rejecting someone, you can always take Homer Simpson’s rejection approach: “Three simple words: I am gay” (or if you’re gay, “Three simple words: I am straight”).

Feel free to suggest any other techniques that I haven’t already mentioned.

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