People suck at keeping secrets

If there’s anything I’ve learned in my years on this planet, it’s that people have mouths and aren’t afraid to use them.

Everything we say these days comes with the disclaimer: “Don’t tell anyone this, but…” As soon as you say this, the person who hears it (most likely female) seems to automatically think they’re privy to some top-secret information, and this feeling of importance somehow warrants them a right or duty to tell other people. What’s worse is that they feel like they can cover up their tracks by saying, “Don’t tell anyone this, but…” when they tell the next person!

Conversely, if you don’t say “Don’t tell anyone this, but…”, the person (most likey female) will see the information as not confidential and will still warrant themselves a right to tell others. And then when you find out your secret’s out, they’ll come back to you and say one of the following:

“But you didn’t tell me not to tell anyone!”

Didn’t I? I thought it was quite obvious that I didn’t want you tell anyone that I’m an illegal immigrant that killed a man ten years ago, and that I’m also a spy for the Soviet Union!

Honestly, I don’t see why we have to declare that something is confidential when it should be quite obvious from the situation that the whole world is not supposed to know about it. Are people really that stupid that they need to be told what something is? Seriously, it’s like pointing at the grass and saying “That’s grass”. God, people are idiots.

“I thought they knew already!”

Oh how kind of you to remind people that I’m cheating on my significant other. If you thought they knew already, then why did you have to tell them again? Yeah, answer that, bitch!

“I didn’t tell them, you must have told them/someone else told them/they must’ve found out somehow!”

This could work in some instances if it’s true, but most of the time the big mouthed person is conveniently the only person you told/the only person that knows. Nice planning with that one.

“It’s not that I can’t keep a secret, it’s just that the people I tell can’t keep secrets!”

Well, I haven’t heard anyone actually say that but I’m sure that’s exactly what they’re thinking.

Note: For those who are a bit slow or are immune to sarcasm, I’m not really an illegal immigrant, I didn’t really kill anyone, and I’m not cheating on my signficant other. Huh? I said I was a spy for the Soviet Union?…Don’t tell anyone!