Desperate or confident?

If a person you barely know asks you out on a date, would you consider them as confident  or desperate? (For the purposes of this blog entry, let’s just define ‘date’ as two people meeting to get to know one another with the intention of perhaps developing a romantic relationship after a few more dates down the line).

I’m one of those people who sit on the train, read the mX, and laugh at people who write into the ‘Here’s looking at you’ section. There are a lot of things I don’t believe in, and one of them is love at first sight *cue vomiting sounds*

[Edit: for those who don’t know, the mX is a commuter newspaper that’s distributed at train stations in Sydney. There’s a section called ‘Here’s looking at you’, which is where commuters write in to profess their love for other commuters that they find attractive on trains, stations, anywhere else. For example, “Girl with the red shoes on the 4:04 train from Central, you’re gorgeous, pls have mah babiez.”]

I think people are kidding themselves when they say “Don’t be shy, come and talk to me” in some of the posts. Honestly, if some random on the train approached you and said out of the blue, “You’re beautiful, coffee?”, would you consider this normal behaviour? Realistically, how many people would say “Okay, see you tomorrow at 4:00 at wherever, even though I have no idea who you are”? Am I the only person who thinks there is some element of creepiness on the part of the asker and some element of stupidity on the answerer here?

And then there are those other people who have a ‘legitimate’ reason to talk to you, but you wouldn’t even consider them an ‘acquaintance’. I’m talking about salesmen, those people who harass you on the street to join charities, customers, people in the clubs/bars or just ‘some guy/girl you know but not really’. These are the kind of people who start off with fulfilling their purpose (or pretend purpose) such as selling you something, asking for answers to homework, etc, then make some small talk unrelated to their purpose to break the ice, and then after maybe two and a half minutes of conversation, they’ll ask you out on a date (coffee, lunch, dinner, skydiving, whatever).

My honest opinion is that I’d never accept a date from someone I hardly know, and this isn’t because I necessarily think it’s creepy. (And yes, I know this is probably how the real world works and how grown ups get to know each other which eventually leads to having babies, but I live in a pretty crazy fantasyland of ideals of which you’ll hear about shortly). The reason I’d probably never accept a date from someone I don’t know is because I feel conscious  about what they think about me, or I’m worried that they expect me to marry them or something. If I’m not friends with someone, I can’t be myself, so a date with someone I hardly know would probably consist of me smiling and nodding and laughing nervously at the person’s jokes whilst the thought ‘This is so awkward, someone give me a gun’ runs through my head.

I sometimes get advice like, “You should go on dates – you don’t have to become their girlfriend, but give them a try.” I can’t bring myself to do this. Romance and love, to me, is something that should be earned through trust first – it shouldn’t be the other way around. And we all know earning another’s trust is a long process. I feel that allowing a stranger a date is like letting them win without a fight.  And don’t give me the BS friendzone argument – someone letting their intentions come off too strongly in the ‘getting to know you’ stage is a turn off, in my opinion. I like to be friends with everyone so that I can be myself and it’ll probably only be after friendship that I’d consider anything more.

Also, the fact that people ask for and accept dates from people they barely know just goes to show how shallow society is, in my opinion. Because face it, 99.99% of the time, someone is only interested in a  stranger because they’re good-looking, and this also applies if the person getting asked accepts. I hear the phrase “If he’s hot, then it’s not creepy” when a stranger is interested in a girl, or vice versa. Really, has our society sunk this low that we base our better judgment of people on looks? Does nobody believe that good-looking people can be jerks/bitches? Is it really that impossible to believe that there is such thing as a good-looking serial killer? Oh no, of course not, only smelly and ugly people are creeps or potential criminals! Honestly, where is real romance these days? Isn’t it much better to look beyond physical appearance and ask someone out based on the fact that you like their personality and that you get along well with them? And yep, you guessed it, getting to know someone’s personality and interests, in my opinion, is much more effective when you are friends.

This is just what I think and what I’d do. I don’t frown or judge people who can do this, because I know a lot of happy couples who’ve been together for a long time after meeting in this manner. Some people find the confidence attractive, not creepy/desperate. But for reasons above, I’d never consider it.

Feel free to leave thoughts, even if you disagree.

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About lildoro

I'm a uni student who procrastinates way too much. I like saying stuff about things.

Posted on May 26, 2010, in Biased opinions about relationships, Mindless Dribble and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 8 Comments.

  1. Hmm I’ve never been asked out on a date by a complete random.

    There was this one time 2 years ago when some 40yr old dude started talking to me on the train, I quickly convinced myself that I shouldn’t just shut him out just because he was a stranger, maybe he was just bored and talkative. My mistake =.= He started getting creepy and after about a 40min train ride together he asked for my number. I WAS JUST BEING POLITE and making conversation =[ lol I said I wasn’t interested because of the age difference but that it was nice talking to him…rofl we ended up hugging goodbye and walking away.

    I don’t know that I would say no if I thought the guy was okay/decent as long as we had actually talked at least a little and he struck me as interesting (eg: Tim). If someone just came up to me and gave me their number/asked for mine out of the blue then no.

    and I totally disagree with this whole friendzone crap. If your friend likes you back they will agree to go out with you, if not it might get awkward but you’ll move on, and if they don’t wanna hurt ur feelings they will throw the whole ‘ohh but i only see u as a friend’ crap. Friendzone is just a cowards excuse not to ask someone out.

    Although, I need to mention, out of the three biggest relationships I’ve had, the one that worked the least was the one where I was friends with the guy before hand lol

    • Interesting. Yeah, I agree with you about friendzone – friendzone makes me sick >:[

      Perhaps if the person was a interesting, I wouldn’t mind keeping in contact with them as long as their intentions don’t come off too strongly.

      Though it’s interesting that you say the one where you were friends with the guy beforehand didn’t work out. The relationships I’ve had were the other way around, and they didn’t work out too well. I think I’d be more comfortable dating someone I was good friends with, because if you were really good friends and you broke up, then it shouldn’t get in the way of your friendship.

  2. *looks at matt* lololol jk =P

    i think it doesnt matter if you’re friends or not before the relationship, each relationship is going to be different because each person will be different, and thus the outcome will be different

    im sure there are people who werent friends before and have stayed in touch, not sure if i personally know anyone like that but yeah… and just because you were friends before doesnt mean you will be after a break up, it all depends on the circumstances at the time (personally i would hope i would still be friends except maybe if they cheat on me, or picked up smoking/drugs)

    that said, i wouldnt give my number out to random chicks that would ask for it, though if say i met the person a few more times and each time we seem to click, obviously there is something there

    • I understand what you’re saying, but for me personally, I think a relationship that I’d be involved in is likely to be more successful if there is at least SOME degree of friendship involved. I mean, I don’t necessarily have to be best friends with them just as long as we somewhat know each other on a deeper level than mere acquantainceship (if that’s a word).

      All outcomes have been the same for me where I’ve rushed into a relationship with someone I wasn’t really friends with but was kind of interested in, thinking to myself “We can get to know each other on the way” because I kind of had this policy of “Don’t date your friends because it’ll be weird when you break up”. My rationale was, if we weren’t friends to begin with and aren’t friends afterwards, there isn’t really any loss.

      But I’ve come to realise that it’s only weird after a breakup if you make it weird, and if you were truly good friends, you can forgive each other and be friends again once you move on.

      • hahah yeah, i think my last para kinda implied some level of friendship and not just an acquaintence

        and your rationale does make sense

        and +1 to your last para 🙂

  3. and yes the “i see you as a really good friend” excuse has been used on me a few times, and you know what? shortly after that they stop talking/hanging out with you, oh the irony lol

    • lol I think I used to be guilty of this. I only did it to allow space for the other person to have some space to move on because I know I’d want the same (I mean, after getting told you’re only seen as a friend, you don’t exactly want to see them/talk to them all the time, because it’s like rubbing it in your face and reinforcing “hah we’re friends and that’s the reason you can’t be with me”), and when they were ready, we could be friends again =)

      • i dunno, i reckon it should be up to the “victim” to decide to stay away or not
        i mean if they can handle the rejection and skill keep the friendship there and you back off, its kinda like you’re abandoning the friendship
        and on the other hand, if they cant handle it, they can decide not to go out or whatever until they can

        the worst thing thats ever been done to me was being told “im not ready for a relationship” and then a month later they tell me theyre going out with such and such… thats like giving false hope that one day they will be ready! grrr! i should hate her but we’re still friends lol

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